I really should do better at posting things on my blog. It seems that the only time that I get around to doing this is during the season changes. I guess I get nostalgic. Then again, it might be best that I don’t post everything that goes through my mind on a daily basis. My emotions run very hot and very cold, there is no medium anymore. I do a better job posting short stories and messages to Coady on his site. I try to do those monthly. I wished his friends posted more, but I know it has to be hard for them, it is for me. Plus I don’t think they know what to say. I know they look at his pictures, and I have so many more scanned and ready to send to Michael to put on, it is just a very emotional thing to go through them. I have to be in the mind set to be able to do it.
This fall has been extremely hard for me, I don’t know if it is part of the grieving process, but time has not healed the pain that I feel. There are days that I can barely stand to stay in my skin, much less think of going on another minute. I don’t know if it is the time of the year, dreading the upcoming holidays, or what, but the beginning of school really started a backward track for me. I seem to be grasping at anything and everything to try and get me out of this hole of despair that I find myself in most of the time. Joe and I have been looking at houses thinking that maybe a move will help with my healing, but when we find one, the emotional roller-coaster almost takes what sanity I have left away. I have never been someone who second guesses their decisions, always before, when I made up my mind, right or wrong, I have stood by my decision and never really second guessed myself. But since that horrible day, I can barely decide on just simply choosing something for dinner, much less such a major decision. Do we move and start over?? Will it be a fresh start?? There won’t be a “Coady’s room” or “Coady’s bathroom” I won’t walk down the hall and think I smell his scent, or go by his bedroom and check to see if he’s there, I won’t think I hear him drive up in the drive, or go out on the front porch and look for him to turn up the street. There are times I hear him call out “momma” in the middle of the night, and my mind goes back to the night he was murdered, did he cry out my name and I wasn’t there to help him, did he lay in the hospital and wonder why we weren’t there to be with him. Did he think someone was calling us?? He died without me there to hold his hand, did he call my name?? Is that why I hear his voice? If I move, will these things go away?? Or will I be leaving his memory behind?? Will I regret leaving the last place he knew as home?? Will I regret being able to go to his room and into his closet and see him there, his scent still lingers, I haven’t changed the door to his room where he punched holes in his door mad at something, who knows what it was, I am sure I had made him mad about something, I had made him pay me for a new door, but I had left it there as a reminder to him what his temper could do, now I leave it there as a reminder that he was there. There are just so many things that remind me of him here where we live now. And daily the redbirds flock to our feeders, these are the confirmations to me from God that Coady is there with him, I asked God to send me something and he sent me these flocks of redbirds, I have never seen so many. I worry that if I leave, they will not follow and I am not that strong to be able to face the day without my “sign” from God.
Joe doesn’t care what we do, he just wants things to get better, at this point, I don’t think they ever will.
We even bought scooters thinking it would be fun to be silly and ride around like silly teenagers that we see, thought we would have some fun, but all I can think of is what would Coady say about how silly his Mom is being. I can just hear him in Heaven saying “aw mom, your just crazy” I seem to be grasping at anything to try and bring some happiness back into my life. My best friend let’s me keep her precious baby boy some when she has to work late, and he is such a joy, but with it comes the pain of what I had and what I lost. I will play with him and love on him and so much he does reminds me of when Coady was that age. When I hold and snuggle him, he will put his little hand on my arm and pat me, the first time he did this, I held him and cried and cried, I remembered the first time Coady did that to me. He is such a beautiful baby and I love him to pieces, but who would have ever thought that something so precious could stir so many memories that are so painful to recall. I guess my hurt is for what I have lost, and knowing that there will not be any new memories to be had with my baby boy.
I don’t know, I used to look forward to the weather cooling, the leaves falling, the smell of Autumn in the air, and the anticipation of the upcoming holiday season. Now, I dread the falling leaves and the cool crisp air, because nights are longer, days are shorter and the fact of trying to cope with the holiday season is almost more than I can handle. If I could just go to sleep and sleep from October until March, maybe it would be better. Who knows…..I try to focus on what I read in my Bible, to “Be still and know that I am GOD” and ” I have plans for you”, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” and dozens more that come to mind and to be honest, probably the only reason I have made it this far. I just pray that God will restore my sunshine and my joy. This cloud that I seem to be stuck in is very ugly and sad.
I am ready to see the beautiful trees sparkling in the crisp air and all the colors of fall. I want to be able to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas without the emptiness that fills my heart. January will never be a happy time for me ever, I can no longer celebrate the birth of my child without having to remember the date of his death. I just don’t know how God thinks that I will ever get past that. I know I don’t have the strength to do it on my on.
I think I should close now, but I wanted to get my feelings out, sometimes just writing them down helps me to let go of them and most of the time I do it on Coady’s page, but tonite I was here and felt the need to write them down. If there would be anything that we take from the death of my most precious gift from God is this: Life is not measured by the breaths we take each moment, but by the moments that take our breath away. Live each moment as if it was your last, make each moment count, and never put off telling someone that you love how you feel. You may not get another chance. I love you brother.