Well, fall is slowly arriving. The air is beginning to cool, leaves haven’t started to change yet, but I know within a few weeks they will begin. I can hardly believe that Coady has been gone for 10 months now. The hurt still feels like it was today. With each trip to the cemetary, the realization of it seems so hard to accept. Where I used to look forward to the holidays and fall, I now dread them and wish we could just by-pass them altogether. I can’t begin to imagine what this first year is going to be like, much less the fact that the trial is the week after Thanksiving. I don’t think I will have one thing to be thankful for this year. Just a very broken heart that is not close to beginning to heal. With a trial looming over us, and what we know we have in store, each day will be more difficult than the last.
Joe and I have been considering moving from our home to a different home, maybe even a different town, we just don’t know at this point. The memories are just too much to deal with daily and the memories of that horrible day will forever be replayed each time I make the trip up the hill to our house. It’s funny how that drive used to help me unwind from a long day and give me a peace knowing I was heading home. Now I can only see me driving up the hill, crying all the way and pulling into the drive and the chaplain here waiting on me in his van to tell me what my heart already knew. I honestly don’t know how I got from the drive to the house that day. But I know that that memory replays each time I come home. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. Just an empty shell, kinda like my heart. The only thing I am scared of, is if it doesn’t ease the pain any, where do I go from there. We are just trying not to rush anything and hoping God will guide us in the direction that he wants us to go.
We have been doing a few things to the house such as painting and installing wood floors, whether we go or stay, it will be a benefit. It’s sad, everything we look at, we are taking all 4 dogs into consideration, we can’t look at anything or anywhere that isn’t dog friendly or have a large fenced area for them. We are pretty easy to please, its them we have to be so picky for. HA But, since Sam and Larry are the last dogs that Coady will have, I will take care of them until they go to be with him. I know dogs aren’t supposed to have souls, but I think they go to heaven. I know that Sam misses Coady, they liked to play ball of the afternoon, and he misses his boy. Coady played alot rougher than I can or will, and Sam likes to rough house. They loved to tackle each other and it was hard to know who really got the best of who, but I know that Sam and Coady both enjoyed themselves playing. My plants have suffered this year in the back where they are, but I can hardly find the heart to scold them because I think their restlessness is their way of mourning and missing him. We all have to express our grief and they have to show it some way.
As for Coady’s trees that we have planted, they are all doing terriffic. If we move, they will be moving with us, along with some of granny’s plants that I have carried from house to house.
As the leaves begin to fall, and the air turns crisp, please remember us often in your prayers and ask God to give us Grace to make it through the holidays.